


Japan's Homophobic Adventure

by Motteke_Star



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alien Sex, Crack, Don't Like Don't Read, Homophobic Language, Japan's 12 inch honky dory, M/M, Slurs, Slut Shaming, Super offensive don't read if you're looking for a serious fic, Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:47:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27549316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Motteke_Star/pseuds/Motteke_Star
Summary: Japan is a straight man, but he's shoved into a house with a load of raging homos because of Covid laws. How will he keep them away from his delectable man pussy?(Don't read if you want a serious fic, this is just offensive brain tumours spat out onto a computer screen)
Relationships: America/Japan (Hetalia), China/Japan (Hetalia), England/Japan (Hetalia), France/Japan (Hetalia), Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), Japan/Russia (Hetalia), Japan/Tony (Hetalia)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 44





	1. An Educational Lesson on Biology That You Can Show To Your Favourite Teacher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Removed the non-con tag because no sex really happens in great detail and all of it that does happen is implied consensual. Apart from maybe in the last chapter- but it’s very obviously jokey.

Some of you reading this may be too much of a zoomer to realise, but gay rights aren’t exactly an ancient concept. The concept of gays being able to live is a pretty recent one, in fact, the fags didn’t manage to get their grimey little hands on marriage until about 2013, so as you may have deduced, a lot of people didn’t start coming out until pretty recently.

There were a couple people in Japan’s life who he knew were queer. He couldn’t blame them really, being immortal really took a toll on one’s ability to care for gender constructs, and so it was no surprise some of the countries he knew were definitely sodimising each other in one way or the other.

However, Japan never so much as assumed that ALL his friends were gay. He knew that China had been a sissy boy for thousands of years, and Japan was surprised that when China found him in that big bamboo forest as a child that he didn’t get diddled right there and then but hey: Maybe not all gays were pedophiles! If you think about it makes sense, usually old pastors are the ones touching altar boys- and gays don’t go anywhere near the church so that must have some correlation.

Anyways, France was an obvious fairy too. Even in medieval times he didn’t even try to hide it, and he got guillotined so much for sinning he started to flirt with the executioners. True story! Japan knew this because France had told him directly, whilst winking, and also, he was naked. It had been a wild night when he heard that story.

But regardless of his friend’s sexualities, Japan was straight. He simply loved his anime grills too much to even think of men in that way. And so, for hundreds of years Japan did the thing the straight people did best- and assumed that most the other people in his life were straight too. But boy, was he wrong.

He had found out about Italy and Germany’s raging homosexuality in the 1940’s, after the end of World War Two. Essentially what happened was that Germany was very bummed out about losing and suddenly becoming bankrupt and hated by the entire rest of the world, et cetera et cetera- and so Italy had decided to help him… De-stress. Sexually. Japan had happened to be over at the time, and let’s just say Germany’s walls were thinner than you would expect from German engineering, so he heard everything. He tried to erase the sounds from his mind but sometimes he could still hear the whips and chains in his nightmares.

Anyways.

He found out about England in the 80’s, during his punk phase. Japan had started to become suspicious after seeing amount of the guy-liner and extremely tight denim jeans the man had been wearing in the recent years, but became sure when he decided to pay him a surprise visit and caught him in bed with a bunch of… He wasn’t sure what they were since everyone was androgynous back then, but he was pretty sure he saw some ball sack.

Anyways, his least expected find was Russia. Russia was the last guy Japan expected to be gay, let alone a bottom, but one time when he was scrolling on Pornhub he just so happened to get an ad for “Russian bear gets sucked so hard he anally prolapses” and well, guess who’s familiar face (and asshole) he saw in that very same ad. Japan wondered how he managed to get away with it, seeing as Russia’s country was pretty homophobic, until he realised that the guy doing the sucking was in fact, Putin! Pretty small world, huh?

His most recent discovery was in 2019, when he visited America for a casual meeting at his house and was greeted by America’s Polyamorous Bisexual Homophobic Homoerotic Power Strictly Sexual Strictly Romantic Platonic But Kinky BDSM Throuple Harem that was made up of not only women, but men too! After Japan found out about his sexual endeavours America started spouting off some random shit about how being a total whore was apparently “The Hip New Thing”. 

Japan wasn’t really buying it, but he knew that if he disagreed he’d get cancelled on twitter so he simply went with the flow.

And so, that was how Japan had found out all his friends were raging homos, and to say some of them were a huge shock would be a gross understatement. He couldn’t believe he was the only straight one- and worse yet, he was the only virgin!

Yes, you heard that right boys and girls (and androgynous blob fucking snowflakes whatever They/Them pronouns idfk), Japan was still a virgin despite being over a thousand years old. He didn’t really have an excuse other than that he was pretty socially awkward and well, anytime he saw a boob he pretty much nutted his pants. He could barely even watch hentai without turning his room into a whipped cream factory, and so whenever he had miraculously been able to pick up a hot loli girl in real life, they usually ran away once they saw his disgustingly soiled briefs.

And so, when the year reached 2020 and it was announced that Japan and his friends would be sharing a house together to avoid unnecessary travel during Covid, Japan wanted to actually end himself (but he couldn’t because he was a country and had to suffer the cruel fate of immortality).  
What if one of these icky homosexual perverts tried to taint Japan’s Not-Yet-Prolapsed pink squishy man pussy? It was very likely to happen, seeing as how much of an innocent hairless soyboy Japan was. And so, as soon as Lockdown started in Japan and the other nations were moved into Japan’s big apartment, he locked himself away in his bedroom and told the others he was binging anime as an excuse. 

He was determined to keep his innocence in-tact, even if it meant sacrificing some things in the process


	2. Ascending to the Ramen Dimension

Japan realised quite quickly that no human can run on pocky and pocari sweat alone for more than a couple days.

He had fainted halfway through re-watching his favourite loli hentai boxset, and when he woke up came to the dreaded conclusion that he would have to leave his room eventually and cook something for himself if he wanted to not become malnourished.

And so, being the coward he was, he waited until it was 2AM and snuck into the kitchen once he was sure everyone was sleeping.  
He put on a tracksuit (he had been butt naked apart from socks before) and grabbed one of his limited edition anime waifu shotguns guns from his nightstand and ventured into the kitchen. He loved his shotguns because not only did they look cute and hold enough power to kill multiple otaku shitlords such as himself, but when you pulled it back the gun made a moaning sound! Pretty epic!

He tiptoed along like a little sissy, and soon enough he made it over to his ramen cupboard. Yes, he had a whole cupboard for ramen, he liked to collect weird flavours like Boku No Pico ramen and store them so that he could flex on insta once they sold out and become rare.

As he was about to open his cupboard he felt a presence behind him using his nen abilities, and cocked his gun. A loli girl moan filled the silence of the kitchen and he tried to adapt an intimidating stance, but he was shaking as much as a cokehead in Columbia so he must’ve looked kinda retarded.

Sure enough, he saw a shadowy figure in his living room. He gulped and shook even more as the figure walked towards him. 

At first he thought it was France, judging by the fact the man’s cock and balls were just fully exposed, but when he saw the guy’s face he realised it was actually England!

“E-e-ngrand??? Why is your chin-chin out in my kitchen?” Japan cried. He knew what chin-chin meant because of Boku no Pico, and also because he knew the Japanese language.

“Ah, Japan! I may look a little but strange right now but I have a very clear explanation for this!” England spoke quickly, he seemed embarrassed but he didn’t try to hide his dick at all. In fact, Japan was pretty sure he saw it twitch, but hey, maybe it was just the wind.

Japan was close to just straight up blowing England’s brains out, but he didn’t want to give England the satisfaction of dying in a sweater vest. 

Yes, that’s right, he was wearing a sweater vest and ONLY a sweater vest.

Japan didn’t say anything due to his inability to digest what the actual fuck was going on, and so England just kept talking.

“You see, it’s a full moon, and since I’m a witch of sorts I have to dance naked in front of a full moon whenever I see one- or else Satan will rise from the pits of hell and turn me into a goat. Not that goats are all that bad, I’m more just concerned about not being able to do my usual human functions. Also, jacking off without having normal human hands is pretty hard-“ England rambled, but was cut off when Japan blasted a hole in his shoulder. The shotgun made a screechy moaning sound as it was fired.

England coughed up blood onto his dick and groaned. Japan felt his stomach churn, but he felt that he at least wasn’t in imminent danger anymore and so he opened a packet of Evangeleon ramen, put on his Evangeleon apron and got his Evangeleon cooking set out and started making an epic poggers dinner.

As England writhed around on the floor chanting something in latin, Japan suddenly felt a presence by his side. He whipped his head around and saw China 2cm away from his face. He could feel China’s unhuman cold breath on his face as the man started to twitch.

“You’re cooking that wrong, Nippon.” He whispered, his eyes almost rolling back into his head as he looked like he was in the early stages of a stroke.

Japan’s stomach churned even more and he threw up all over China’s pajamas, but China didn’t seem to care as he casually threw his shirt onto England’s open bullet wound. He snatched the cooking utensils from Japan and started to improve the meagre offerings. Japan pissed himself cutely as China finished his meal and set it down for him. He was feeling a lot less nervous after puking a bit, and the Evangeleon ramen tasted pretty good.

“Itadakimasu!” he meowed happily as he chowed down. China stopped ascending to the hell dimension and looked at Japan fondly. England, however, was just starting to ascend.

“I used to make you food like this all the time back before you betrayed me…” China sighed. His back was turned to Japan so that he could see the dark scar that still plagued China’s back even thousands of years after Japan had stabbed him.

Japan gulped (not because he felt bad, but because he was slurping down his ramen) and said nothing. One thing the Japanese would never do was apologise for their horrific war crimes!

“If you want… I know a way you can repay me, though.” China cooed, turning around and winking at Japan. He had serious bedroom eyes going on, though that might’ve just been because they were tired from all the twitching before.

Japan sighed and swallowed his last noodles without chewing. He enjoyed the sensation as it slid down his throat, but he was not enjoying China’s advances.

He cocked his waifu gun again, but China did some cool karate moves and broke it in half before it even finished making moaning sounds.

He grabbed a chopstick and tilted up Japan’s head with it sensually, like they were in some kind of romance manga. 

Japan had to admit, it was kinda hot cuz China was basically a trap, and as we all know, traps aren’t gay- but then he remembered China was old and decided against it because there were already enough old people in Japan and he didn’t need another one entering him.

Luckily for him, England had finally contacted Satan and started setting things on fire, so everyone in the apartment had to evacuate outside whilst England killed everyone in a 50 metre radius.

He took this opportunity to go to a manga hotel and read hentai all night, it was pretty kawaii. However, as Japan was getting snug under the covers of the bed in his trendy pod-capsule-room thing that manga hotels usually had, he felt a presence behind him. He shot up in fear and saw two massive glowing red eyes staring up at him. He turned the lamp on hurriedly and was greeted by a huge grey head attached to a tiny body.

It was Tony the Alien!

“I’m gonna probe you bitch!” Tony proclaimed, and Japan immediately had explosive diarrhoea.

To be continued…


	3. UFO (Unidentified Flying Orgasm)

Japan’s ass was now covered in his squishy bum mud, and so the tiny pod room started to smell extremely bad. Japan threw up in his mouth a couple times whilst Tony simply remained Neutral.

The little alien man crept up the bed, advancing to come probe Japan’s shitty bumhole despite the horrific smell that was coming out of it.

“Aren’t you put off by the poop? Do you have a scat fetish or something?” Japan asked, his voice trembling as he backed away slowly.

Tony wiggled his long E.T looking ass finger at Japan and smirked.

“My nostrils are small so I cannot smell it, and I do not care for human waste. It is simply natural.” He replied, and before Japan knew it he had flipped Japan over with his unexpectedly strong physique and pulled down his boxers.

Japan farted out of fear, and because he was already shitting and Tony was sat right behind him, he ended up sharting in Tony’s face. 

He heard Tony let out a blood-curdling scream as shit flew all up in his giant red eyes. Japan silently celebrated and threw his shitty boxers at Tony’s head to add salt to the wound, before tying the bedsheet around his waist and Naruto running away.

“Rolling around at the speed of sound  
Got places to go, gotta follow my rainbow!” He sang as he ran down the streets of Tokyo.

He didn’t really have anywhere else to stay, plus he forgot his wallet in the manga hotel, so he decided to go to sleep in a cardboard box he found in an alleyway. 

He prayed he wouldn’t get shanked in his sleep as he tried desperately to fall out of consciousness, and soon enough his eyes grew heavy and he did just that.

He was awoken by the sounds of human voices as the sun rose and civilisation started to emerge. As his eyes opened, he could feel something warm trickling down his head.

He smiled, for it had been a cold night and he was thankful for the heat. 

“Oh yeah, take my piss you little slut.” He heard a gruff voice speak, and when he opened his eyes finally he realised he was being pissed on by some faggot homeless guy.

He screamed and kicked the guy in the face before running away into the streets, where he was immediately chased by policemen on bikes for public nudity. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, in the process of running away his bedsheet had fallen off so he was running around Tokyo with his cock out. Oopsie Daisy!

“Fuck twelve!” He declared, before throwing a smokebomb on the ground and disappearing. He always carried a smokebomb on him just in case he needed to make a cool anime exit. 

The police looked around confused as Japan took this opportunity to sneak into a charity store and steal the closest thing he could find. For some reason, he ended up getting an entire ahegao tracksuit set, which sucked because he already owned one at home- but oh well!

“Hey I wanted to buy that- Oh Japan! It’s you!” 

Japan heard a familiar voice behind him speak, and swivelled around quickly to see that America was stood next to him.

“Ah! America-San, how are you? How is your uhm... Homophobic Bisexual Retard Throuple thing going?” Japan asked, trying to be a good polite Japanese person, despite the fact that he didn’t care about anything America was probably going to ramble about.

“Oh, yeah we broke up. David said cancel culture was stupid so I cancelled him on Twitter. After that, the rest of the harem refused to obey me anymore so things sort of went south.” He explained, shuffling through clothes on racks until he found a shirt he liked.

Japan walked with America up to the cash register, almost forgetting why he was there until he didn’t.

“Tony isn’t with you is he?” Japan asked, trying to mask his fear of being anally probed but failing miserably.

America thanked the cashier and turned to Japan.

“Funny you should ask that, he just called me a few minutes ago telling to never try scat, and then left to go on vacation to Mars or something because he needed ‘A couple of days to calm down’ or something. Jokes on him, I’ve been getting pooped on for years so that was kind of a dumb request of his.” 

Japan sighed in relief. At least that weird rapey alien wouldn’t be after him for a while now. He tried to ignore the fact that the text on America's newly bought shirt said 'Does this dick in my mouth make me look gay?' but it was just so cringey that he tripped over the doorway reading it and almost fell flat on his face.

But he didn’t… Because America caught him.

Flowers bloomed around them like some kind of shoujo manga, suddenly the art style changed and Japan somehow looked even more like a twink than usual whilst America suddenly gained a six pack and yaoi hands.

“Are you… okay?” America asked dramatically

Japan was about to reply, but a sakura petal landed in his throat and he started choking. Panicked, America started punching him in the stomach over and over again because he’d forgotten how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre. 

Oh no, at this rate Japan was going to get internal bleeding and die! What was going to happen next?

To be continued...


	4. ACAB (All Cunts Are Bussies)

Just a Japan could see the pearly gates, he felt an extremely hard material slam into his back, knocking the wind out of him, but also dislodging his throat somehow and clearing his windpipe. 

America stopped beating the devil out of him like some kind of fucked Bob Ross video and watched as Japan fell to the floor, gasping to retrieve the air that had just left him.

“Shiny Metal Pipe of Penis- wait I meant pain.” Russia cheered, and as Japan rolled onto his back, he could see Russia’s trusty metal pipe gleaming in the sunlight.

“Nice one!” America laughed, high-fiving Russia and grinning down at the man he almost fucking murked like two seconds ago.

And then, Japan realised something.

“Wait, aren’t we all supposed to be in Lockdown? Stop touching each other! Oh god, we just went into a shop! What the hell is going on?” Japan panicked, barely managing to wheeze out words as the oxygen finally came to him.

“Relax, dude, we just went into Lockdown before everyone else cuz we’re nations or whatever. Pretty sure Japan will be issuing out it’s Lockdown warning anytime now.” America informed him, and Japan couldn’t help but wonder how the hell America knew more about his own national news than he did, and then he remembered it was probably because he had spent the last couple days fapping to illegal hentai and trying to keep his ass intact.

“Right… Is my house repaired yet?” He asked, finally standing up again.

“No, apparently everything was destroyed in England’s homicidal rampage and now we’re being moved to a different apartment.” Russia informed, stroking his pipe in a way that reminded Japan of- well I don’t really need to spell it out for you retards you get the joke.

Just as Japan was about to reply, all of a sudden, a load of sirens started blaring and he could hear the sounds of countless gunshots being fired.

“What the?!?“ Japan asked, covering his ears as the sirens only got louder.

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, they brought some of my military over just to may sure everyone was social distancing haha, must just be shooting some criminals, don’t mind them!” America replied casually.

With that, Japan watched on as a whole fucking tank drawled past and a random fat American guy shot an innocent woman in the head. 

He threw up, and America and Russia chuckled as if they were used to it seeing it happen.

“Haha! Oh dude, you missed one! Look over there! By that tree!” America shouted to one of the military officers, pointing towards a man and his 5 kids.

Japan cried.

“Oh dear god- Russia what’s the address of the new apartment?” He almost screamed, holding his head in his hands to try block out the pain.

Russia gave him the address and Japan immediately found a taxi and hauled-ass back home.

As he arrived he immediately claimed a room and locked himself inside. He cried a lot and tried to masturbate a little in order to raise his serotonin levels, before giving up because he didn’t have any lolis to look at. He sighed. The last 24 hours had been so traumatic! He lost all his limited- edition miku body-pillows, waifu guns, oh and not to mention his signed copy of Boku no Pico! Anyone would be sad- and he couldn’t even fap because his phone and stuff got destroyed too.

Oh, and he saw his citizens being murdered but that was significantly less traumatic than losing your miku merch, okay?

He sighed and absentmindedly decided to go for a shower. He sulked all the way to the bathroom, wondering if his insurance also covered “Loss of anime waifu” before taking his clothes off. The shit that had smeared all over his ass was dry now and just felt like mud (but smelled worse) and so he immediately started scrubbing that area once he got in the shower.

He closed his eyes and groaned at the great feeling of the hot water hitting his head, it felt so good he was almost in a trance until he heard something sinister from below him.

“Hon hon hon! So you wipe your ass first when you groom yourself? Interesting…” He heard a familiar voice say, and when he looked down he saw France laying under him, his mouth open as he drank all the liquid that was falling off of Japan’s body.

Japan screamed and jumped out of the shower.

“Oh god, you’re into scat too?” he shouted, and at this France’s face paled.

“N-no? I’m into a lot of freaky shit but not – oh god what is that all over your ass?” France asked, his eyes widening as he slowly realised he had been drinking poop water.

As Japan was about to say something, suddenly France’s eyes got even WIDER as he stared down at… Was he staring at Japan’s disco stick right now?

“Japan… WHY IS YOUR LOVE WAND SO GIGANTIC?”

“Huh?”

To be continued…


	5. Penis Is Mine (Ft. Hatsune Miku)

Japan peered down at his lil sausage man and shrugged.

“Seemed quite normal to me France-San” he said, before getting back in the shower and detaching the shower head so that it was absolutely BLASTING THE FUCK out of his ass.

He ignored France’s obvious boner and kept washing himself. All of a sudden, France was naked in the shower with him. His little pickle rick was hard and poking Japan’s slender leg. Japan wanted to go “Wubba Lubba DUB DUB!” but he didn’t think now was a very appropriate time.

“Hon hon hon! You think you can just get away with having a baguette that long and fat and expect me to NOT grab it like a Black Friday Deal? You’d be mistaken Bon Appetite!” France laughed, and also kind of snorted at the end.

Japan somehow managed to leave the shower with minimal amount of penis-contact and wiped himself down with his Jojo Towel™️. 

“Kono Dio Da” he whispered quietly.

He wasn’t all that phased by France’s naked body because of the absurd amount of times the guy had just randomly decided to get his pubes out in the middle of world meetings. He was like a flasher but worse because he was immortal and therefore you could only get so many restraining orders against him before you gave up and succumbed to his hairy balls.

“Are you on drugs again France?” Japan asked nonchalantly. Bon appetite was usually what France said right before he ate ass, not just in random casual sentences like that. Unless he was planning on-

“Noooo… Just a little bit of Wine… andmaybecocainebutitsfineonlylike5lineshonhon.” He mumbled quickly whilst slowly inching closer. Japan took a couple steps back as he did so- it sort of felt like a game of tag except a lot more rapey.

“Look France, I’m sorry, but I’m not gay. You know this. I’m never going to shove my absolutely thonkering earth-smashing big fat juicy Bahama Mama honky dory in your ass. It can just never work between us, I’m sorry.” Japan said dramatically. 

France did a silly gay little pout and sighed. 

“I’ll get rid of all my nukes if you do. That’d make your boss happy, right?” 

As much as Japan thought that was a good idea, he wasn’t a bootlicker and hated capitalism so he refused. Also he didn’t wanna do gay shit because #straightsupremacy2020

He magically somehow got new clothes because who needs a plot that makes sense in a hetalia fanfiction? and walked downstairs whilst drying his hair. As he did so France ran down after him (still naked of course) and started screaming,

“Guys! Japan’s dick is fucking huge!”

Japan was shocked. Oh fuck, he should’ve seen this coming! Oh no, now all these little soy boys were gonna crave his double discount Asian meat!!1!11!21

“I don’t care France. Anyways, I got Covid, which is sadly something German Engineering can’t fix yet so I’ll be socially isolating for a while. With Italy because he might have it too.” Germany informed them before marching over to a random room.

“By social distancing he actually means I’m gonna shove dry pasta up his-“ Italy started,

“Don’t finish that sentence.” Germany warned.

“-Urethra.”

Japan cringed and Germany dragged Italy away, blushing furiously like a shy anime girl expect he was a 6 foot something big hunky German guy with MASSIVE milkers. Wait maybe the massive milkers DID make him an anime girl?

“Anyways we need to decide who’s fucking Japan first since we’re all gonna take his dick if it’s that big.” China changed the subject, proposing that they would share Japan like the filthy communist slut he was.

“Who says we’re sharing, bitch? Japan’s all mine! I haven’t gotten any dick since… Yesterday oh yeah I found someone on grindr lmao nevermind. Still want Japan’s dick though, I love me a lil Asian ;)” America reply, licking his lips, which was kinda sexy until he started spitting on his glasses to clean them.

Japan ignored the fact that America had managed to somehow verbally communicate the emoticon ‘;)’ 

“I think Japan should fuck ME first, I mean, come on! I put the TORTURE in Cock and ball torture so if he’s looking for a freak, I’m right here Babkushka!” Russia suddenly added.

Japan started scratching a hole in the wall to escape like in Shawshank Redemption as they kept arguing.

“China, dude, you’re totally old and vulnerable! What if he has covid man? Wouldn’t want you to get hurt.” America argued cheekily.

“Oh yeah? Can an old man do THIS?” China challenged, before pulling his trousers down and pulling a string of knock-off Hello Kitty anal beads out his ass. If Japan wasn’t disgusted right now, he would be pretty impressed.

“I got these from China Town, aru.”

“Oh shit, I git a booney form that. UwU.” Russia stated. He wasn’t lying, he did in fact have a boner.

“Why don’t you all just fuck each other?” Japan asked loudly. He was starting to get frustrated now and his polite Japanese guy act was melting away. He couldn’t even enjoy his quarantine in peace with all these horny guys around him! Like holy shit, have they never heard of porn before? 

The other countries blinked at each other in slight shock before Russia smirked and his hair covered his eyes like a hentai protaganist.  
“He’s kinda hot when he’s angry.” Russia mumbled.

Japan groaned in anger.

“Oh yeah groan at me harder daddy.” Russia moaned like some kind of tik tok anime girl. Japan had almost forgotten how much of a bottom he was.

“Hey, aren’t you cheating on Putin right now? How about both you whores fuck off and just let me, THE HERO, defeat that big ol trouser snake, the way a real American Man does!” America chided, clearly still not willing to give up.

“Well at least my President’s not a small dick Cheeto-looking ass hot mess.”

“Well at least my president isn’t a closeted homophobe who fucks my anally prolapsed hole every night? The fuck kind of point are you trying to make, you Russian hooker?”

China was about to join the conversation but then realised his leader was literally Xi Jing Ping and so he shut his ass up real quick.

Suddenly everything became like a shoujo manga again and Japan dramatically burst out of the apartment, a sad song from the Hetalia Soundtrack played as he ran. IDK maybe Aiyah Four Thousand Years- DEFINITELY not Hambaga Streeto tho.

He clutched his chest and let out loud sobs, as he sank to his knees on the curb outside the apartment. Fuck, having a big dick was probably the hardest thing any human could endure. 

[Minorities did not like that]

Just as he thought he was at rock bottom (haha bottom), he heard a robotic-sounding voice call out to him. He looked up through teary eyes to see a shining teenager with long blue hair floating in the air above him. 

It was… Hatsune Miku?!?!?

“Miku! Oh my god! I’m your biggest fan!” He shouted excitedly, immediately standing up again. He forgot his sadness for a sec until he remembered all the Miku bodypillows he owned and suddenly felt guilty over all the times he jacked off on them.

“Yes, I know you are Japan. Which is why I’ve decided to become your Fairy Godmother, as I can see you are in a time of need right now. I will grant you any three wishes you desire.” Miku replied in her classic robot voice and Japan was ecstatic.

Three wishes? Wowie! This was gonna be so epic! First, Japan decided he would need a means of protecting himself since all his waifu guns were gone now. What would be the best way, he wondered? He needed a fool-proof way that was super over-powered and could be defeated using the power of kawaii and friendship alone.

“Make me a Magical Girl!” Japan decided, beaming at Miku happily. She suddenly looked confused.

“Are you SURE you’re not a fag?” she asked.

“Bitch just shut up and make me magical. You’re literally a fucking hologram oml the AUDACITY-” Before he could finish, suddenly a magical girl transition sequence started and Japan transformed into a super kawaii pink maid outfit!

“I’m ready for anything now-“ he began, but was cut-off ONCE AGAIN.

“Oh really? You can face ANYTHING now?” he heard a British accent cackle in the distant.

As he whipped around, he saw England sitting on top of a building holding a giant black bazooka, in his signature sweet-devil attire, looking evil as hell.

Japan knew that this meant the anime was going to have an epic finale, but it wasn’t airing today haha bitch you thought! See you next chapter.

To be continued…


	6. TriBADism

Japan’s magical girl outfit swayed in the breeze. Speaking of breeze, for some reason his legs were feeling super cold, huh! That was weird…

He looked down to figure out where the hell that cold air was coming from, and realised that underneath an extremely short crop-top (that showed his tiny little straight boy nipples) he was only wearing a white frilly thong!

“What the- Miku!!! What the hell?” Japan protested, but Miku just shrugged and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“Ew that smell… Was that puff of smoke a fucking fart? Ugh, I’m burning all my Miku pillows…” Japan groaned to himself. Suddenly, he found himself having to jump out of the way of a MASSIVE BLACK DILDO ZOOMING STRAIGHT TOWARDS HIM. 

He looked up to see England cackling atop the building, his bazooka had smoke coming out of it that smelt of cum and Japan winced as he got ready to fire again.

“Ahahahaaha! It is I, The Evil Eyebrow Fucker, coming to fuck your tight little Asian asshole! Do you like my dil-splosion Register 42069 Bazooka in the colour big dick black? Yes, it’s quite a sight isn’t it? Isn’t it ironic how a massive veiny horse cock is going to be be the last thing you, a filthy heterosexual, see before your demise?” He monologued like a good anime villain does.

Japan was going to bring up the fact that he couldn’t die because he was a country but that would make the fight pretty anticlimactic, so he went with the flow.

“Eyebrow Fucker, I-“ Japan bullshitted a name on the spot, “The Princess Heterozygous, from the Moon, of course, shall defeat you!”

And so, he leaped super high because magical girls can do that, dodging dicks left and right, and summoned his first item. 

Since he had just gotten his powers, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was going to summon, but when he saw it, though slightly pissed off, he had to admit it was pretty appropriate for their current scenario.

It was a giant pink condom shield!

“Oh no! Not a condom! Now how will I spread HIV and AIDS like a good homo?!?” England gasped

Japan knocked all the dildos away with his giant Condom and parkoured up the side of building. His dick jiggled around from the lack of support from the tiny thong and Japan felt himself get a wedgie. He succeeded in his climb regardless, and stood facing his foe on the rooftop. 

They stood, staring each other down as Kill Bill music played. WEEEE WOOOO WEEEE WOOOO the siren went as they stared back and forth.

"Wait, before we start can I just get rid of this wedgie? It's like, IN my asshole and I feel like if it gets any further in this fight will be pointless because my actual underwear will take my fucking virginity." Japan asked, shifting his legs uncomfortably.

"Oh yeah sure, I don't get why anime producers don't think of more practical oufits for feminine characters, y'know. I'll give you a minute." England complied, sitting down again and crossing his legs like a fag.

"Stop trying to act woke, England. You literally just tried to give me AIDS." Japan said, raising an eyebrow at the audacity of this hypocrite.

All of a sudden, he felt a presence behind him, but before he could turn around, he heard a deafening SNIP noise, and all of a sudden, his Thong was on the ground. Welp, at least it wasn't halfway up his ass!

“I still haven’t forgiven you for your war crimes, bitch!” He heard a familiar Chinese accent say, and looked up to reveal China in some weird BDSM costume looking thing.

“China, you’re Englan- I mean, Eyebrow Fucker’s evil minion?” Japan gasped.

“What? No! I just fucking hate you so I cut your dumb little thong off. But anyways, me and the boys are engaging in some light BDSM that I’m late for so I gotta go!” China replied, and with that he hopped from building to building effortlessly because he was Chinese and knew karate and shit idk.

Suddenly, England was behind him, and in the blink of an eye, Japan had a whole fist up his ass, no lube or anything, just raw skin friction.

“NANI?!!?!?11” He shouted in that voice of the guy from Fist of the North Star. That shit hurted!

“Ahahaha! My plans have succeeded, for it is I who has taken your anal virginity, Japan!” England laughed, wiggling his fingers around in Japan's ass. It sort of felt like when Japan got worms from his dog that one time (who knew it was contagious?) and so he decided he needed to get England's hand out his ass pronto before he started getting PTSD flashbacks.

He wracked his brains for answers, and when England jammed a finger right into his G-spot, he thought all was lost- unti he remembered something. This was an anime world, and he was a magical girl with super powers in a goddamn Hetalia fanfiction- why was he trying to use logic? No, Logic wouldn't work, he just needed to be entertaining so that the people would leave Kudos!

Knowing his plan would work, Japan smirked.

England’s ghastly brows furrowed.

“Wha- what are you smiling for?? I’ve won!” England whimpered, suddenly terrified now that his plan wasn’t going according to… Plan holy shit I’m gonna fail English.

Japan pushed up his anime glasses and they shone as he was about to execute some serious genius shit.

“You forgot my ultimate stand ability, Iggy-san.”

“Your st-stand ability? This isn’t Jojo you fuck-“ 

But it was too late, for the anime logic was kicking in, and Japan fired up his stand ability at once. Pink aura surrounded him and his massive horse cock got super erect as he started flowing with life energy. He looked back on that scene in the Manga hotel in a flashback sequence. He reminisced, for he had progressed in his abilities now, and that lowly shart had simply been a training montage- leading up to this very moment!

“Stwar Pwatinwum Za Wawudo!” He said cutely, “SHART REQUIEM!” 

And with that, he let out a shart so powerful, so pink, so glittery and kawaii, that it not only ripped England’s arm off, but he drowned in it and fucking died. Buildings toppled at the astronomical size of the massive liquid shit he had just taken, and Japan fell to the ground in exhaustion.

“Japan!” Miku cried, suddenly there again and worried for some reason despite having been a total libtard earlier. Luckily for her, she couldn’t smell anything on account of being a Hologram so she didn’t puke from the poop smell.

“That was… My ultimate move, Miku-Chan. I fear… I may never be able to use my powers again.” Japan panted, a single gay tear running down his cheek.

“It’s not over yet Japan, we still have a house full of homos to beat! What are we going to do without your powers?” She cried, but also didn't really cry cuz it was juts light projection.

“I have a plan.” Japan assured her, standing up once and for all. His dick was still erect, but with his new plan he knew that wouldn't be for long.

They got back to the apartment and Japan could already hear the wet ass noises standing outside the door. Ugh, they were having an orgy, just like China had promised. Japan was contemplating telling them about England’s death, but decided against it because no one fucking cared about that sweater-vest wearing-ass loser anyways.

He knocked the door down fearlessly to see what was to be expected: Some fucked up shit.

Putin was there fucking Russia’s ass as usual, France, China and America were all somehow sucking each other and fucking each other at the same time, and Tony was sat in the corner jerking his weird E.T fingers, all alone.

Japan would’ve puked if he had anything left from that shart.

“Everyone stop!” He shouted, and then everyone came at the same time and stopped regardless of Japan’s presence. They slid out of each other and paid attention to Japan tho because banter.

“Say goodbye to your dicks, homos! Miku, make everyone in a 50 metre radius a woman!” Japan demanded, using his second wish, and Miku granted it right away.   
Japan smiled. Russia and America had massive bazongas, whilst China was a loli now, and Putin was somehow even uglier as a woman but whatever he wasn’t invited to the orgy in the first place.

"Oh wow, my tits look just like Big sis Ukraine's!" Russia shouted in glee.

"Oh wow, my tits look just like a cutting board." China sighed in not-glee.

Japan looked down and realised his massive penis was gone, and so his last wish was to now have a 13 INCH EVEN BIGGER, JUICIER PECKER and it was granted.

He felt all his blood go to his dick and knew this amount of blood loss would probably kill him, considering he was now a tiny loli girl, but he didn't care because he got to pound pussy all night. It was fucking amazing, and even though it was still technically gay, it was between women now so it wasn't gross. Yay!

The End!


End file.
